Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   spending time entertaining facebookians by writing funny status's instead of doing work

   My age? I'd rather not tell. Let's just say i'm somewhere between 25 and a Wal-Mart greeter.

   I don't know what's worse. The fact that there are so many ugly women who walk around like they're all that or the fact that none of them are desperate enough to talk to me.

   I had a hard time believing a movie called Furry Vegeance was a family movie...I thought it was a movie about a woman scorned.....boy was I wrong!

   getting ready for May 21st (this Friday) which is Talk Like Yoda Day...practicing we should be, hmm?

   When are the makers of Captain Crunch going to get honest and rename it Tasty Jagged Mouth Gravel...painful but tasty...

   5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.

   Times Like These Were made for Nudity.

   So I guess the movie 'Armageddon' shows that oil workers are better at destroying asteroids than stopping oil leaks

   If I had nothing left to complain about, I'd complain about that.

   Hey lady in the other car, eating and talking on your cell phone. It's called a Ford Focus, not a Ford Multi-task.

   Don't worry... I'm a doctor on the Internet.

   every time Sarah Palin speaks, a moose dies...

   Last night I said to the wife let's get rated R. So I pulled down my pants and she cussed and punched me in the face.

   says the last argument was his fault. She asked what was on the TV, he replied "dust".

   Then you aint to proud to clean up some oil are you? o btw I hope you choke on a crumpet

   boy you couldnt pour piss out of a boot if the instructions was on the heel!!!

   wish life was a bed of roses!!! I would do nothing but sleep all day!!!

   just went to recycle some bottles and cans at the food store, the return area wasnt open yet, I went into ask them to open it and when I came out a crack head stole my cart and was running down the block with it.

   I need to throw that guy a "get a life" jacket...