Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To say things are going "swimmingly" is always a good thing. Except when you're on a cruise.

   Women with facial hair, can y'all please stop buying all the freakin Schick razor blades!!! Those are not MADE FOR Y'ALL!!!!   

   curious as to which arm rest in the movie theatre is really yours.

   never realized how sleep deprivation could make me think more bazarrely (is that a word?) than abnormal...thinking outside the dimension !

   Used the local gas station toilet today, when I walked in someone in the stall muttered "Release the Kracken"...well played creepy homeless guy...well played.

   You know what''s so scary, but just so sexy at the same time? A hot woman kicking your a$$ in video games.....in your room.....on your bed.

   I only know how to do things 3 ways: the WRONG way. the RIGHT way. and MY way. Which is really the WRONG way, only faster!

   I won't rest until I find a cure for insomnia.

   Just saw my Direct Deposit amount and the "LOL" the bank typed next to it.

   why test on animals when we have pedofiles in prison.

   I knew Steve Nash deep down is a laker fan. Even his right eye and purple and yellow

   Everyone seems normal until you get to know them

   If you take a muscle relaxer and a Viagra together you will end up a Gumby with a Pokey.....

   If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments..

   If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.

   Sorry Monday but it's over. I am leaving you for Tuesday, please don't be sad.....I have to look to the future....

   I'm not saying that I'm a pessimist but I just took a sip of water from my half empty glass and I misjudged the distance to my mouth and cracked the glass on my teeth and I cut my lip on the broken edges and chipped a tooth.

   Can I see my dream in 3D shades?

   It's always nice to have a baker's dozen of something, unless it's like stab wounds or something.

   hey Justin Bieber, remember Hanson?