Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   loves when he adds a friend and that friend NEVER posts a message to me or anything....why did you even add me ya stoop

   how can I miss you if you won't go away?

   got excited when he had a "Group Request" in Facebook. Sadly though, it wasn't even close to the type of "groups" he had dreams about ..

   my face is leaving in 10 minutes - be on it.

   if you're going to ride my ass, at least pull my hair.

   if it is not on wikipedia, then you are wrong, lady

   Dude you should've seen this bathroom stall, it was like I had to clean up Heroshima before I could drop my Nagasaki.

   Dear Mr underccover police car, I like your 5 extra antennas...

   He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagin@...

   Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?

   Ummmm, got drunk and tried to adopt a kid again...

   white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to f*ck cuz its not my time of month"

   Her bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that sh*t together with floss...

   I want to get a Henna tattoo that says "Forever"

   I didn't fall , I attacked the floor.

   if I had a nickel for evertime I ignored your friends request, I could buy facebook with all my change..

   I Never Finish My Eraser Because It Is Either Stolen,Lost,or Cut In Half

   [Due to Improper conduct on facebook and writing randomly on walls, Facebook has removed my status bar ]

   I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me -- they were cramming for their finals!

   Dear Beer,I forgive You for abandoning me during tough times during the week, I love You for coming back on weekend and will French kiss You, till sobriety do us apart!