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What does a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common? They both can smell it, but can't taste it. 
"Like a glow stick, sometimes we have to break before we shine."
Happy Birthday to Hugh Hefner. He turned 88 years old today. His friends threw him a big party. They had a naked woman jump out of a giant bran muffin.
New research shows that seniors can improve their memory by looking after their grandchildren once a week. Because nothing improves a person’s memory like frantically trying to remember where they left their grandchild.
Compassion is the basis of morality.
Easter is coming up soon. the parents with multiple kids are kinda lucky......you'll have more than 1 chocolate bunny in the refrigerator & we know they like to reproduce.....never-ending supply of chocolate
When I see a drink written “non-alcoholic”, it makes me feel very violent.
When I notice a stranger eavesdropping on my conversation I get really excited because for once someone other than my beer can is listening!
Just told the guy at the second drive-thru window that the guy at the first drive-thru window wants to fight him.
When Obama became POTUS, I had nothing. 6 years later, I still have most of it....
Pro Tip: If you serve meth at a party, you don't have to buy food. Serving pot on the other hand has the opposite effect.
Well I thought about texting you first and it’s the thought that counts
My heart says yes but my wife says no!
I wish everyone a happy new year, and hope you all have a great 1982. With love, from everyone here at the alzheimers society.
Dear Smart Phone, I would really wish if you spent more time with me than your Charger
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you break the monotony.
I think ugly people have children just to prove to everyone they had sex.
Don't forget to tell someone you miss them just because you're horny today
A selfie a day keeps the daddy issues at bay
I was going to LIKE and compliment your FB pic, but I'm not a good liar. 