Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does the Five Second Rule apply to beer?

   Why do people insist on speaking to me? It pretty much never goes well.

   Criticism is the best sign you're onto something.

   I like my women like I like my steaks. Dark with a warm pink center.

   I zone out once my teacher says "This will not be on the test."

   What did the maxi pad say to the fart? A: You're the wind beneath my wings.

   wonders if the person that invented the vibrator heard voices in his head that said, "if you build it, they will come."

   a kid said to me sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. I threw a dictionary at him.

   was driving past the woods today and saw a group of bird watchers, so I flipped them the bird.

   used to play sports. Then I realised that you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything!

   My wife told me that she was seeing someone else because she was fed up with my bad habits. I nearly choked on my toenail

   Police are such idiots. I got pulled over the other day for weaving. I can't even sew, let alone weave, especially when I'm pissed!!

   Just seen the Facebook group: "I wish my laptop had unlimited battery".What, a plug?

   Yes, "facebooking" IS an action verb. Along with googling, tweeting and farmvillin'.

   My new checks all have trampolines on them. Just so bill collectors know they may bounce!

   The bank called me because of suspicious activity on my debit card. I couldn't believe I bought a gym membership either

   likes to go to the local pet store, find the most innocent looking clerk and ask "where are all the bi*-ches at?"

   Lawrence Taylor quote: "I'm not a rapist but I did stay at a holiday inn express last night"

   Did I just use bacon as a verb?

   saw that the actress who plays Ginny Weasley and the actor who plays Jasper Hale are engaged. Way to try and end the Harry Potter/Twilight fued.