Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hold your mother today, she was the first to hold you, she held you for 9 months.

   been to the dark side...they lied about the candy

   If you watch Godzilla backwards, it's about a helpful lizard putting a city back together and leaving afterwards.

   looks like I won't be updating my status today..

   Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?

   Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light'; but with twenty per cent fewer letters

   I would say Happy Mothers Day on this, but my mom doesn't have a Facebook so it wouldn't matter.

   Tiger withdraws from the golf tournament due to a neck injury, I bet he could sure use a swedish massage.

   NOTE TO SELF: Don't forget to NOT to discuss your personal life on FB. And pick up rash cream..........

   I used to go out with a homeless girl. It was great because after sex I could just drop her off anywhere

   When I was in kindergarten my teacher told the class to sit Indian style. So I grabbed a bottle of cheap whiskey and laid in gutter

   The tag "in bed" that makes fortune cookies so funny, makes Mother's Day cards creepy. Just sayin' (uncle Bill!).

   Growing up my mom would take me to the toy store and be so patient as I sat their for a long time trying to make a decision about which toy to buy...thank God she doesn't have to go to the liquor store with me now.

   I love how everyone seems to be able to sing on facebook *singing*

   if a man says to a woman,"Girl, you better go in the kitchen and bring me a sandwich," Do you know what a good comeback for that ladies? You better "comeback" with a God damn sandwich.

   We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police

   Lady Gaga looks likes she's been covered in glue and she's just collected crap as she walks past stuff

   going to start a dating site for gangsters. bone thugs and e harmony

   Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

   probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.