Funny Status Messages

   "I had no choice" - People who had a choice but feared the consequences

   Hey you ok? I haven't seen you post a selife in like 5 minutes.

   Some of you are funny,some poetic,some angry,some horny,some drunk,some in love,some lonely,some crazy,some too-good-to-be-true. I <3 you all.

   I just accepted Jesus...to do my lawn for the next year

   Your restraining order isn't going to keep me from eating the hair off your brush.

   some ppls FaceBook movies went straight to Dvd..

   What else do you bring to the mix besides GREED?

   I have a better idea. Why don't you just tell your boobs to stop staring at me?

   I hate people who write things on the internet that are passive-aggressively focused on a single person. You know who you are.

   "There must be a very short line for your job."

   Shirley Temple died today. I just wish there was something I could drink to honor her.

   And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger(anchor man roast)

   If you can't do this job drunk, ..... get out of the business !

   Stupid kidney stones ! I was just rubbing one out and shot the cat.

   Never ignore coincidence. Unless, of course, you’re busy. In which case, always ignore coincidence

   A 15 year-old took gold in the Olympics and then there is me whose greatest accomplishment is getting up to 10 on flappy bird.

   I wont be alone on valentines day....I'll be spending it with 127.0.0.1

   Hey Russia, you spelled Sushi wrong.

   I LOVE JESUS!

   When I was born God gave me two choices, I could either be good in bed or have a great memory..Sh !t I forgot what I was going to tell you.