Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I'm kicking your ass!

   finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They're God's way of making us slap ourselves.

   molested herself last night , she tried to say no , but she knew she wanted it .

   Men... They have 30 year mortgages, 5 year car leases, 2 year cell phone contracts and a lifetime gym membership and then they say they're afraid of commitment!

   In the lives of our grandchildren and great grandchildren, OUR iphone and ipad will be THEIR rotary phone and notepad.

   I may be old a hell when Playstation 9 comes out around the year 2072, but I'll feel like a kid when I get my hands on it.

   My pants are on the no-fly list.

   Just because we have the same last name doesn't mean we have to be Facebook friends, Grandpa...

   The 7 deadly sins? Um... male camel toe, spamming, paying by check, using ALL CAPS, bogarting, leaving the seat up

   Job Application Tip: If asked "Have you ever been convicted of a crime?" the incorrect response is, "No, I pleaded insanity."

   "Keep this just between you and me" is a guarantee everyone will know by the end of the day

   From what I've heard, there are actaully people whose paychecks last all the way to the next paycheck! I know! I didn't believe it either.

   I ate too much comfort food and now I'm a bean bag chair.

   Alzheimer's can't be all bad. You get to meet new people every day

   Happy Nurses (and students) Day!!! *that doesnt apply to Nurse Sharks though!

   watching his 401k descend like a drug addled hooker with vertigo.

   I gave Mr. Potato Head some weed.Before I knew it,he was baked.

   thinks his facebook has been hacked! I'm going to change my password to: titus_b12bomberraid.. That oughta do the trick!

   so, this guy is trying to sue me for sexual harassment in the workplace just because I like to flirt a little...good luck with that because I don't even work there!

   A man asks a HOT woman "will you go on a date with me" She says "your not my type" Man Quickly replies "You are so selfish! You're going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one night!"