Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   being a mother is like Hotel California, you can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave:S

   it's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now sounds a little better than, it's 1:15, I'm trashed & horny...

   You shouldn't say anything mean about people who can't read. You should write it instead.

   God: An invisible friend for adults

   Solution to two of the world's problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry.

   A huge mass of slimy ooze is moving towards New Orleans. I'm confused as I didn't think the Eagles played the Saints this year.

   I just saw a message in my alphabet soup. It says OOOOOO. Oh wait….I'm eating Cheerios

   I was given 4 E's and LSD last night… Such an awful start to a game of scrabble.

   wondering why the chick who flipped me off in the parking lot this morning couldn't find a better use for that finger. She could have been so much happier!

   thought it was called physical education, not physical movement!

   Z is the last letter in the alphabet because it overslept.

   The best relationship is the one that's built on love and lust.. sry sry TRUST

   “Facebook is the people you went to school with. Twitter is the people you wished you went to school with.”

   "Did you say, 'I'd like to meet her?'" Me: No. I said, I'd like to meat her.

   likes to think that when I squish an ant, its final thought is, "Good. Being an ant blows."

   The list of things I won't eat if covered in chocolate gets smaller everyday.

   You never know what I have up my sleeve. Today, for instance, it was a goldfish cracker.

   The truth is, when I start a statement with "the truth is" I'm usually lying my @ss off

   One night stands in hotel rooms just don't do it for me anymore. ...That's why I always ask for a bed with two night stands.

   wants you to imagine that I have a big smile on my face. Also, for the hell of it, go ahead & put me in a top hat. .