Funny Status Messages

   Pumped for the series finale of the U.S. government!

   DOC: I'm sorry, but you only have 2 weeks to live... *I slip the Doc a 5 dollar bill*... DOC: Ooooh make that 3 weeks buddy... *I wink at my loved ones*

   Honey I shrunk the kids' college savings,,, and bet on a pure bred horse

   I'm sorry I keep looking at your chest while you're talking. It's just so beautiful. What is it, oak?

   My hair made me look stupid so I cut it. The moral of this story is, if you try to make me look stupid I'll cut you.

   I would start smoking meth if that's what it took to get another season of Breaking Bad.

   Well at least Jesse Drives off to the need for speed trailer.

   Drake's music so soft when I play it my speakers float away.

   Taken names of employees from various stores and calling in sick for them, just to make it feel like I have a job. . .

   Spiders - because men need to feel useful.

   I did a search to learn how to play ZZ Top guitar, It said I would never be that bad a**

   My life is like a good woman. It really scuks.

   a homeless guy looked at me and said "any change"? I said " no you are still dirty and homeless

   Hey, somebody get ready to wake up the guy in Green Day.

   You don't know me. And I don't know you. Woah! We have lot in common.

   if you didn't hear it with your own ears or see it with you own eyes. Don't invent it with your small mind, and share it with your big mouth.

   John Boehner and Harry Ried get into a feminine slap fight complete with hair pulling and name calling on the steps of the Capitol. See it tonight at midnight on the season finale of "The Government"

   I'll have what she's shaving.

   Love is a two way street, but sometimes there's a car flipped over blocking both lanes of traffic.

   People are so weird. You reach under the bathroom stall to tie their shoes and they freak out instead of saying thanks.