Funny Status Messages

   how many servings of fruit are in a fruit roll up? I'm trying to take my diet seriously now.

   When a girl says, "I'd rather we just stay friends," what she really means is, "I'd rather just date someone attractive."

   Reality is for people who don't eat bacon!!'

   I just sprayed Citrus Fabreeze in my bathroom... Now it smells like Sh*trus

   All my friends are getting married and having kids or getting really good at video games.

   *takes down dreamcatcher & empties it into the trash*

   "Well we've been looking for this multiple homicide suspect for 5 minutes. Time to close the investigation forever." - cops in GTA 5

   Everyone likes to talk crap about the Salem Witch Trials,,, but have you noticed, We haven't had a witch attack in like 300 years?

   My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I've only got 40 lbs to go.

   I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.

   When I die, I want my ashes scattered in a pile in front of my smartphone.

   You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

   Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit's Finger!

   I bet a lot of people in Congress are hoping for a Kanye appearance today.....

   According to my ''Give a sh*t calendar'', tomorrow is free also!

   Hey Lorenzo, go home you are borin.

   For my next magic trick I'm going to turn your washing machine into a toilet.

   We didn't take a video recording of our child's birth but we have some awesome video of his conception.

   I didn't sleep well last night so I made my coffee with redbull instead of water. I got half way to work before I realized I forgot my car.

   I remember when my old Nokia phone said I had low battery it meant that I had 2 days to find a charger.