Funny Status Messages
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Everyone has someone they can trust with everything. Except their phone. No one trusts anyone with their phone. 
Hell hath no fury like a Facebook friend deleted and blocked.
No matter how many lives you have in Candy Crush, you'll still never get your own back.
I'm not saying it was right, but I bet all those guys Whitey killed were dirtbags too...
Hell hath no fury like a Facebook friend - stalker, needy, arrogant, troublemaker,and ignorant - deleted and blocked.
going to celebrate national left handed day by cheating on my right hand
When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."
For a minute there, I thought I had just wasted 60 seconds...
Hmmmmm,, You walk to the back of the dry cleaner's,,,,, and it's just a bunch of cats licking your shirts.
I think It's a good thing that not everyone has a smartphone... Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your head...no one wants to hear about your workout
From Shark week to Mob week. Luca Brasi sleeps with Jaws.
The best part about walking in the rain with your significant other is they don't know you're peeing.
911 what’s your emergency? Me: My Wife keeps pointing a flashlight at me!! 911: How is that an emergency? Me: It’s attached to her gun!!!
Life is what happens when your cell phone is charging.
I may have to bite the bullet & get it on with Sue. She's a 4ft psycho with questionable hygine but times are hard. I deserve happiness too.
Sorry, ladies, but if he has a 4" d*ck, he'll never really be that into you.
Gang-related violence in my office is up 25% since this meeting started.
Someone needs to hurry up and locate Tom Hanks before he makes "Castaway 2" in N. Alabama. Spoiler alert: Wilson is a talking pig.
Just remember that, when it comes right down to it, nobody cares. 