Funny Status Messages

   Its trash pick up day tomorrow and my dumb neighbor forgot to take out my mother-n-law!!!! Now i've gotta dump trash all over his yard again!

   People - the most gentle, loving, kind, sympathetic, peaceful and caring creatures in the world. Especially when they need something from you.

   Today i'll fix the mistakes I made yesterday and tomorrow i'll fix the mistakes I made today

   I wish I was the hot friend.

   I'm having a funny withdrawal. Someone please post something hilarious soon or I'll have to check into detox

   In the bathroom, even the shampoo bottle becomes interesting.

   Does hearing voices in my head qualify me for driving in the car pooling lane?

   Accidentally walking through the camping aisle at Target every once in a while is about as outdoorsy as I get.

   What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

   I wasn't speeding officer, but I passed several people who were!

   How about we start being thankful everyday,,, then have a holiday once a year called Complainsgiving?... It could even be tied somehow to Festivus

   I will not rest until ALL food is dinosaur shaped.

   the new b ush library has one wing dedicated to weapons of mass destruction but no one can seem to find it..

   If por n has taught me anything it’s that if you’re going to put anything in your mouth, you better spit on it first.

   切是食品 means "cutting food" not "everything that moves is food" sheesh.

   If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I'd have to pick…My girlfriend.

   Tim Tebow is fired the same day a NBA player announces he's gay. Cinco de Mayo must be coming up

   I asked my girl, Can we make a baby? She text back and said, Ok... it's not just for money during tax season right?

   "DONE!" - Color blind person solving a Rubik's Cube

   Like everbody,, I have an angel on one shoulder, and a devil on the other... Also, I'm also deaf in one ear... (sigh)