Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Truth of life - Mother`s tears hit your heart and wife`s tears hit your pocket.

   While creating wives, God promised men that good & ideal wives will be found in all corners of the world and then he made the earth round!

   a little teapot short and stout, here is my handle here is my....other handle? Great! I've turned into a frickin' sugar bowl!!

   90% of married men cheat on their wives in the US.....the rest go to thailand

   Men want three qualities in wives: Economist in the kitchen, artist at home and devil in the bed. But they get an artist in kitchen, a devil at home and an economist in Bed.

   Why were hurricanes normally named after women?Because when they come they are wet and wild.But when they do they take your house & car with them ;-)

   Q: Why do women live longer than men?Because Shopping never causes heart attacks,but paying the bill does!

   broke someone's heart and now he's paying for that!!! [So Sorry!]

   My 4 year old son is running around saying "Yippie-Kay-Yay" and it's taking everything I've got to keep from yelling "Mother-Fucker!" Yeah, I think I may seen "Die Hard" too many times.

   Dear news people, stop trying to pronounce Eyjafjallajokull, you are all sounding like idiots, just call it The Volcano, is way easier...

   If I followed the advice "live every day like it's your last," I'd become an 800 pound criminal with multiple STDs.

   resides on the top of Mountain Dew.

   I just wanted to let everyone to know - yesterday I received my Obama stimulus package for 2010. It contained two watermelon seeds, cornbread mix, and 10 coupons to KFC. The directions were in Spanish. Hope you get yours soon!

   Ever just met someone you want to put in a large trash bag filled with a couple cinder blocks and drop them from a bridge? No? Me neither.

   To make it easy on everyone, here is the correct pronunciation of the Icelandic volcano Eyjafjallajokull: THOR'S BUNGHOLE.

   Lecturing my kids about the dangers of alcohol would be a lot more effective if they didn't have access to my Facebook pictures.

   I bet Burger King started making their cardboard crowns bigger when they realized their primary audience was drunk college students.

   Am I the only one that hears the ice cream truck, and reaches for the gun at the same time?

   I have a blackbelt in Karate.Its not that iam good at it,its just I never wash it..

   Written outside a temple:Why should we beleive in GOD?because there are still some questions which cannot be answered by GOOGLE