Funny Status Messages

   Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells F&CK really loud then people scurry like mad.

   There’s no question about it, the second half of the tank of gas goes twice as fast as the first!

   I wanna be rich enough to have 11 little people who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast.

   It’s funny how the people who know the least about you, always have the most to say.

   4 horrible facts: Today is not Friday. Tomorrow is not Friday. The day after Tomorrow is not Friday. Even the day after that is not Friday.

   I wonder if Medusa ever just relaxed and put her snakes back in a ponytail?

   Sometimes when i'm following a recipe and it says to bake at 350 degrees, I will turn it up to 355 just to be a rebel. don't be hatin!

   in honor of it being 3 days into spring and so cold we will be barbecuing Punxsutawney Philly steak and cheese tomorrow

   Ghetto Olympics: On your MARK.........Get SET.............TWERK!

   I've heard of women that aren't crazy ... but I've also heard of unicorns, so whatever...

   Stop referring to yourself as a "woman with curves" when in reality you're a "woman with fat rolls."

   Somebody tell me how "Rub a dub dub, 3 men in a tub" became a nursery rhyme?

   I just saw a poster that said, "Have you seen this man?" with a number to call ... So I called the number and told them, "no."

   Sorry, I'm not tall enough to ride your emotional roller coaster ...

   it rude to throw a breathmint in someone's mouth while they are talking??

   I wish I knew what kind of withdrawals I'm having right now so I could focus more on that particular drug.

   Sorry I got really drunk and ended up being really mouthy and offensive at your party next week.

   That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there's no milk so you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?

   What's the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus? One has a moustache and smells of fish and the other one is a walrus.

   Talking to some people is like having to slap an old TV a few times to get the picture.