Funny Status Messages

   trying to have sex when you're wasted is like trying to play pool with a piece of string

   Life is all about ass. Everyone's either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, trying to get a piece of it, or simply just being one.

   "That's it. I'm done. I'm never hanging out at a swimming pool again."~ Marco Polo

   Every time I seen an abandoned shoe on the highway it makes me sad that I’ve never partied that hard.

   a plus to dressing slutty on a date - you really don't have to be all that interesting.

   I Love The Taste Of Water...Especially If It Has Barley,Yeast,Hops,and Sugar Added To It and Left In A Little Dark Brown Bottle In A Cool Celler For A Few Months.

   My brackets perfect so far, I fill it out after every game.

   Those yoga pants are too shear ~ no man ever

   A dog running a hundred miles to retrieve a stick? That's pretty far-fetched.

   On Fridays I like to spend my lunch at the old folks home dragging my feet around the carpet and shocking them...... I saved 8 lives last month

   Watch your wedding video backwards. You'll love the part when you take your ring off, walk away from the altar, & leave with your friends.

   I wonder if I'd get kicked out of an AA if I pulled a Jeff Spicoli and ordered a pizza to it.

   This guy next to me is giving me the get off your phone and drive look.

   Women, when it comes to doggy style, men are behind you 100%

   I live for two reasons… 1. I was born. 2. I haven’t died yet.

   My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.

   Grammar: The difference between knowing your s&it and knowing you’re s&it.

   If you’re camping and you have WiFi, you’re not camping.

   When I start my drinks, my di&k does all the thinking..

   ny psycho girls wanna hang out? Just text me like 5000 times and let me know.