Funny Status Messages

   If I were a Caveman I would have masturbated in front of a T-Rex just to make him jealous!

   I don't necessarily enjoy being the bad influence...but hey, somebody has to do it!

   "It was good but he spanked me a little too much..." - no woman ever

   Hi God it me again. I'd like to return these feelings, they're faulty and make my eyes leak. Thank you.

   Him: Lil Wayne's in the hospital. Me: WHAT!!!! Him: Do you know who Lil Wayne is? Me: YEAH!!! Him: You're thinking of Lil John. Me: OKAY!!!

   My doctor gave me six months to live. I told him I couldn't pay my bill. He gave me another six months.

   Don't worry, we'll keep orbiting the sun without you.

   My superpower is being able to remove a bra with one hand...in the dark...drunk.

   Last night I slept for 6 hours straight then 1 hour ga y.

   What I learned from Titanic was that you need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person you like cause you never know what might happen.

   For those of you that were wondering about my brackets: [ ] { } [ ] { } and [ ] { }

   did you hear the leading cause of gunshot wounds are bullets?

   Roman Catholic establishment has 1.2billion followers or as I like to call them, sheep.

   I'm going to clean my house today and by clean I mean I'm drinking vodka and spraying Febreze everywhere.

   I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.

   Today a great American died one who did extensive research in the gag reflex for year, RIP Harry Reems

   Revenge is sweet. Sit back, relax and watch their Karma do all the work, than I can say I told you so...

   Me: spends 12 hours comparing teams before completing NCAA bracket, loses $50. GF: Spends 5 minutes picking teams with "cute" mascot names, wins $1000.

   Tiger Woods is now dating Lindsey Vonn, they met while she was skiing down a mountain of women he just slept with

   Thursday evening is when I am at my most sober. Hate it more than Mondays.