Funny Status Messages
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Does anyone know how much water I'm supposed to add to this baby powder, to make an infant? 
You can lead a human to knowledge.... but you can't make them think.
If I ever have an ugly child there is no way in hell they're going to find out about "Bring Your Child To Work" day.
I think that some of the people I see in Wal Mart shouldn't be allowed to leave Wal Mart.
The girls who don't get a rose on The Bachelor should automatically get a cat.
My wife announced that she was leaving me because of my obsession with baking. I said, "there's no knead for that cupcake..."
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
If your girl sets her Facebook relationship status to "Widowed", it's time to pack a suitcase as fast as possible.
You had me at "I've got weed."
I answer the door with a nal beads and whiskey so when the Jehovah's come they know what they're in for.
The Surgeon General has declared that cigarettes can harm your children....... Fair enough. I'll start using an ashtray!
They should give the girls who don't get a rose on The Bachelor a cat.
Boys. Always respect a girl that's been single for over a year. Because it means she not co-dependent
I'm not saying she's a slut, but she's been banged more than a snooze button on Monday morning.
I cut my finger on a beer can last night. Now I know how Julius Caesar felt when he was betrayed by his best friend.
My kid is almost old enough for social media, so we'll need to have "the talk" soon. You know, about your/you're and there/their/they're.
Watching the news... Oh Look its a new report in India... AAaaand Its RAPE!
If your legs open up faster than Google's homepage., you are a wh0re.. :)
Carnival to Rename Cruise Ships 'floating nightmare 1, floating nightmare 2, floating nightmare 3, floating nightmare 4, floating nightmare 5 etc. etc. etc.'
I can't afford a Carnival Cruise this year so I'm just going to hang out at a Porta-Potty near the beach. 