Funny Status Messages
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I sure hope my wife passes her kidney stone soon! I'm getting hungry... 
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
Sometimes life seems so Popeless.
I hate how my friends are always trying to convince me to do extreme activities. Like bungee jumping, skydiving or leaving the house.
If someone tells you their horoscope says they're going to have a good day, it's your duty as a human being to punch them in the throat and prove them wrong.
Killing everyone in your anger management class really calms you down.
There is nothing more annoying than a couple who just got back from Hawaii.
Things more fashionable than a Nickelback t-shirt: 1. Fanny packs. 2. Mom jeans. 3. Crocs. 4. Men's Capri pants. 5. Being on fire.
My wife's safe word is: we have 5 kids!
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn't mean they're nice or they like you. Take alligators for example.
What's brown and rhymes with snoop?.......................Dr Dre.
I'd bet any of you good money that there's a woman mad at you right now and you have absolutely no idea why.
Sometimes when I'm bored, I order coffee at Starbucks and tell them my name is Bueller.....Then just leave!
90% of the ocean remains unexplored and you're telling me mermaids don't exist?
You're 15... You should be feeling butterflies in your tummy, not a baby kicking.
I hate it when you have to be nice to someone you really want to throw a brick at.
Note to self...apparently management doesn't find the game of hide-and-go-seek as amusing as I do....which sucks cuz I had an awesome hiding spot!!!
today Obama signed the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA)....is it still legal to tell my gf to make me a sandwich?
knows a relationship is going well when she feels comfortable taking a crap at his place.
All my favorite youth rebellion songs are written by old millionaires. 