Funny Status Messages

   I love Facebook because I can't afford gas for my car anymore so it's the only way I can visit with anyone now.

   My battery is about to di

   My dance style is best described as "is there a bee near me?"

   I don't care if your a 7 foot 10 Sasquatch of a man if you step on a kids Lego barefoot at 3am on the way to the bathroom you will squeal like a baby seal....fact....:)

   "I love you! See ya in about an hour!" - Me talking to my beer.

   Wayne Brady honoring black history month is like Nickelback inducting Zeppelin into the Rock n Roll hall of fame

   Since I just finished my 4th glass of this wonderful spirit, all status updates, texts, private messages, and voice mails from me are now considered null and void.

   Facebook makes stalking that special someone so much easier.

   Of course I’ve had my servings of fruit today. Coconut rum, pineapple-orange juice and maraschino cherries. There’s a bonus for combo fruits, right?

   Only God can judge me.....tell it to the judge

   Women who say that men only want to have is sex are the women who have nothing else to offer than that.

   Correction, its women who suck at sex who accuse men of only being after one thing, sex.

   Bounty Hunters killed all my paper towels.

   BREAKING NEWS: Harvard study reveals that's not what she said.

   I'm gonna go ahead and call this one: lots of babies are going to be born on or around November 8th

   No, I haven't been sick. I haven't been busy. I haven't been away on vacation. The reason I haven't returned your calls is because I can't stand you.

   I think today I'll stalk random strangers and tag myself as one of the people in the background of their vacation pics...

   Been chewing for over 50 years now......you'd think I'd know where the insides of my cheeks are by now.

   FYI - Valentines Day is only 5 days away... It's not too late to break up.

   FACT: 69% of people find something dirty in everything they read