Funny Status Messages
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A woman in Wisconsin named her child Marijuana Pepsi Cola Jackson. Proof that Aliens will not be invading us, because there is no intelligent life on this planet. 
Some girls seem to think that LOVE stands for Legs Open Very Easy!
Oh... you pay for Netflix and iTunes? I see you don't know how to really use the internet.
Instead of getting married, I'm just gonna cut through all the other stuff and just buy someone I hate a house, and give them half my stuff.
Just a Friendly word of advice: Nobody want's to hear your ringtone. Unless it's "Hammertime", then let that it play loud.
My new GF: "Wow, look at all this beer you have in your fridge. You must love to drink." Me: "No, I just hate to run out of beer."
When Shakespeare invented the word "swag" he did not intend for it to be used the way it's being used today. I guess that's why he also invented the word "assassinate" so we could kill people who misuse that word.
The awkwrd moment when someone waves in your direction and you wave back then you realize they were waving at someone else.
if it's private, don't post it on FB. You don't see me bragging about screwing my wifes sister, do you??
The girl at CVS asked if I wanted to "hang out and wait for my prescription" I told her I don't even know you and besides I have a girlfriend
No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a fun thing to bonk someone over the head with!
How dare you incinerate that I don't know big words
Good thing my car has cruise control because I'm feeling pretty sleepy.
Thank you for informing me that you have a stick figure family of 6 and a dog. Your minivan had me under the impression that you were wild and single.
I always hold the door open for women… even if they don't want to get into my van…
Never kiss anyone who's constantly saying things taste like shi t.
If I had a d ick I'd definitely get it stuck in something it wasn't supposed to be in by the end of the first day.
If I have to stir it, it's homemade.
I got 99 problems and they're all due tomorrow!
I need a girlfriend because I like people in my life who can remember stuff. 