Funny Status Messages

   I want a Life Alert necklace,,,, but instead of calling an ambulance it orders me a pizza

   just got my newspaper. Apparently, there's a hurricane headed for the east coast...

   Wonder if they will take as long to clean up new York city as they did new Orleans????????

   How many shares of fb stock do I need to buy before I can block anyone from ever posting about going to the gym again?

   I think whoever names the hurricanes should start using villain names, how cool would Hurricane Vader sound?

   U.S met office issues a stark warning that Hurricane Sandy has been upgraded to a British Summer

   So apparently washing machine riding should be done in the privacy of your own home. Oops!

   I'm hoping my see through white shirt will distract everyone from the fact I'm not wearing make-up today

   I passed out on the sidewalk, because a jeep full of douchebags, wearing too much Axe Body spray just went by.

   Women don't fart until they get married... that's when they get an a$$hole.

   My whole life flashes in front of me when I hear the words ‘We need to talk'.

   I'm from Canada, we use the metric system, so 'third base' means 'butt stuff'.

   I hope I can kill my feelings before my liver.

   Maybe I should get married. Its not like I have sex anyway.

   You guys can laugh at my cargo pants all you want, but I just walked out of Taco Bell with 350 sauce packets.

   I believe she prefers to be called Hurricane Sandra, until she blows you then you may call her Sandy.

   If a woman is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, she: A. Has intimacy issues B. Is frigid C. Needs to sit somewhere else on the bus

   I'm allowed to punch obnoxious girls since I'm g@y, right?

   If he makes you laugh, kisses your forehead, says hes sorry, makes an effort, holds your hand, attempts to understand you. Hes totally cheating on you.

   Be safe, New Yorkers. Stay away from large sugary drinks and stuff.