Funny Status Messages

   Fact: 82% of men that announce they are in the "Hiz-ouse" reside in their mom's "Biz-asement."

   Today's kids play TSA agent instead of doctor.

   If you've never tried to use "the force" to get a an out-of-reach remote control, you're probably not as lazy as me.

   This just in: Hurricane Sandy hits Cuba, does $6,000,000.00 in improvements!!

   Got home from work,, The Athlete in me said go bike 10 miles, but then the Couch Potato in me said, kick back, have a drink and turn on the boob tube.....

   You're not a loser because you're covered in tattoos. You're covered in tattoos because you're a loser…

   I'm perfecting a new perfume called "Forever Alone".... It smells like Lean Cuisines and cats.

   So, if a President (any, not just BO) can travel the US campaigning nonstop for weeks on end, how damn hard can the job be??

   This year for Halloween I'm handing out Carmel covered onions. Halloween is fun.

   Dear sleep , I kow we had problems when I was younger but I love you now.

   I invented some cologne called come to me, does it smell like come to you

   Dear Tylenol, as a Father, I can respect the fact that you make your products child-proof. However, as a consumer with a splitting headache, I hate your fricken guts 'cause I can't open the damn packet with my fingers...

   Whenever I return a book to the library,,, I leave a bookmark on the last page & yell "SORRY, I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO REWIND IT!" then run away..

   All your depressing status es are cheering me up. Thanks, ...Keep it up.

   I hate this place, as soon as I find my clothes, I am leaving.

   I have seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission.

   Life is like a carpet. Family and friends will always walk over you, and when you get dirty, the ones that clean you up.....are the people that truly care for you.

   "who are you?" --- "Im fine!"

   I was at Home Depot looking to get a doorknob so I asked a girl to help me. She said she was a "knob specialist" and now I'm with security.

   I just watched a video of a guy getting his nuts cut off. I can't believe I did that. Why do I even still have my wedding video, anyway?