Funny Status Messages
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some of you ladies think you're a hot mess but you're really just a mess... 
"Dude, you're getting a Dell!" - Me pulling my spoiled unruly son out of the Apple Store
China just reported an earthquake... but it turns out it was just everyone cheering at once when Romney said he'd create 12 million jobs.
I think maybe the key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.
God I hate people who always bring God into everything.
Happy Birthday to John Lennon who would have turned 72 today....Imagine!
Sometimes when I'm bored, I pick out a girl from my list of FB friends that I've never actually met and then go back on her timeline and like every single post she made in like 2009......That should freak her out a bit...
No word from my date last night. I texted "We Might As Well Be Strangers" & "This Is The Last Time!" Hope I'm not coming across too Keane.
If voting really mattered, politicians would try to make it illegal.
I've looked all over ESPN for last night's WWE match winners but it's like it's not a real sport…
Whenever I attend a wedding, to truly celebrate the anticipated short duration of the marriage, I throw Minute Rice.
Girls; Don't kill yourself over a boy. He'll just bring another girl to your funeral.
"I barely know you are you sure you want to have sex?" Things you will never hear a guy say
I may not be the guy you're looking for or the guy who you think you would fall in love with, but I deserve a chance to prove you wrong dammit!
I always tell the ladies that the magic happens in the bedroom because their high hopes of sexual fulfillment seem to disappear there.
Stranger things have happened. Remember how Mary, Jesus's mother got pregnant without sex??
I laugh at your claims to bravely take on a zombie apocalypse when most of you won't even stand up to a spider.
October is breast cancer awareness month. So I stare, ladies.... cuz I care
The only good part about some people is forgetting them.
When I date single moms, I tell the kids "I'm not trying to fill the hole left by your father; just the ones inside your mother." 