Funny Status Messages

   Does anybody else automatically say "Ow!" out of habit, whenever something they are holding bumps something else?

   love is like lottery numbers....gotta keep finding the crappy ones before you get the good ones

   I must be a good driver. Some scraggly looking guy on the side of the road just gave me a thumbs up!

   Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect and don't live to be. But, before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean

   What's the strongest Bird in the world? A Crane

   What Birds always stick together? Velcrows

   You know what's cheaper than reading a book on a Kindle?......Reading a book.

   Well,, It's like this,,,,, My car makes this funny noise whenever I run over a clown...

   Sorry I Liked your dog dying.... But, they don't really give us any other buttons.

   M.I.T. is making an iPhone app to help blind people text?.... Wow,, the LAST thing we need is a bunch of blind a-holes texting while they drive.

   John has 36 kit kat bars and He eats 30 of them. What does that leave John with?........................ Diabetus,, John has "The diabetus."

   I don't want to say our Mom's cooking was bad,,, but, Years Ago,, we just filled the shaker with smelling salt...

   I love how perfect you aren't.

   "Hay there." - Sarah Jessica Parker probably

   Does that grudge come in all ages or is it one size fits all?

   Ladies; Love is giving him the remote...to your vibrator.

   At some point in the day, Hugh Hefner has to think "God, shut up b itches!"

   I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn't taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.

   Make her the center of your world. Put her on a pedestal. Bend her over on said pedestal and pound her hard until she speaks in tongues.

   I bet I can stay drunk longer than you can complain about it.