Funny Status Messages
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I have so many issues, popular magazines would get jealous. 
Memo to New Orleans: You can't turn the Superdome into a sewer this time., emergency shelter will be at the black crack neighbors house!
I met a cute girl in the tampon aisle today... so I asked if she'd be free to go out for dinner in 5-7 days...
Monday morning coffee is just as important as friday night liquor....almost.
Curiousity killed virginity.
If you don't hate yourself by the time you log off, you're not using the internet correctly.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific!
Look, if we all work together, we can lift and move New Orleans to a new location...
Snooki named her baby Lorenzo because she couldn't spell Heineken
Even if incase the moon landing episode was fake... You have to give Neil Armstrong credit for planting an American flag somewhere, without killing anyone.
Box wine? I prefer the term Cardboardeaux.
Started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper but then I realized they can't hear me through binoculars.
I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant could also be called I Didn't Realize I Was Retarded.
We're probably missing out on a lot of good candy by stereotyping creepy people who have white vans with tinted windows who give free candy.
Hey Pringles, it's time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn't exactly thin-wristed.
I was texting on phone with my mom. She asked me if the weather was really bad. I typed, "Nah", but autocorrect spelled: 'Nag'. Now she won't take my calls.
This "friend" on FB keeps posting pics of herself and her boyfriend making out. Can someone here provide me with an alibi for tomorrow night?
Meteorology: The Exact Science Of Guesswork
I think the USADA is on a power trip. They have now banned Lance Armstrong from eating French Toast.
what does hurricane Isaac and Kim Kardashian have in common? They'll both blow anything on the west coast just to get on tv... 