Funny Status Messages

   make sure you spell Harry correct and don't leave out the word "Prince" in your search for Harry Nude pictures....

   If I just cleaned the floor I'm watching your steps like you're gonna steal something.

   My wife is upset, apparently I'm breathing wrong again.

   Erectile Dysfunction isn't my problem... It's the Erectile Rejection that's a b!tch.

   I hate vans. Nothing good ever comes out of them. Kidnappers... Terrorists... Soccer moms.

   I'm in one of those weird marriages where we still have sex every day.. With each other!

   heard someone say there is a .45 cent concert going to be held this weekend on national tv...it will be 50 cent, featuring Nickleback.....

   Home from a long day so please don't call or text me. Gonna combine my favorite things... Yep, I'll be Napping Off.

   Can someone help me, I can't remember,,, Did Sarah Jessica Parker get an Oscar for seabiscuit?

   I don't feel so bad about not having an up to date phone. I just saw a woman jogging past my house carrying a Walkman.

   fall in love with a person for their brains and not their looks. Eh, save that sh!t for ugly people

   I'm not saying she is a slut, but she has been on more wieners than heinz ketchup

   You know that you work too much when you count hours off and not days off.

   Todays Generation – “omg my parents never let me have nything.” via iPhone

   It's funny how the people who know the least about you, always have the most to say.

   Some relationships are like Tom & Jerry. They tease each other, knock down each other irritate each other but can't live without each other.

   LIKE if you know what this means… Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A.

   Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram sometimes make me forget I have text messages.

   Sometimes, you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart, but not in your life.

   Where is the button to restart summer?