Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I had a wet dream about you last night... I pissed myself laughing when you fell off a cliff!

   It's not even a booty call, it's a drive by... hit it and go.

   just finished her first book!!! man, that was alot of coloring!!

   You give new meaning to the saying "Beaten with an Ugly Stick," it looks more like you were smashed by the whole damn forest.

   just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said "too ugly to prostitute."

   I liked you until you farted and turned the MUSIC up like it was gonna cover the smell.

   so drunk last night, had a blue tooth blinking into my ear and thought the cops were following me

   If only closed minds came with closed mouths!!.....

   Just out of curiousity....Does anyone know how to get blood out of clothes??? Better yet, carpet??? Thanks!!!

   there is a thin line between sanity and insanity...and I just snorted it.

   MAN'S POEM I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a s**t.

   Tiger Woods has announced that he will return to golf at next months Masters. Also returning to golf ...television viewers

   hired a russian housemaid today,it took her 5 hours to hoover the house....turns out she's a slovak.

   Squirrels - Nature's Speedbumps

   First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door. Funny sense of humour my plumber has...

   's son left his action figures in the bathtub, and Batman is now most definitely in the wrong Batcave!

   sure i'll sign oprah's pledge to make my car a cell free zone... it'll free up both hands to hold my grey goose bottle.

   "Every leader that is willing to go forward has got to get used to getting wounded and scarred by those he's willing to live and die for."

   wondering if I get stopped for speeding in a Toyota can I tell the officer I had a "Prius-exisiting condition?"

   You are the rain to my showers, the April to my flowers, the fresh to my air, you are the sun to my set, you make my day beautiful.