Funny Status Messages

   Beware, ticket Agencies are apparently selling fake London 2012 Olympic tickets, although my ticket for the mens wheelchair triple jump seems genuine enough.

   I don't like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else

   We all have that one friend that makes us laugh with their stupidity.

   Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work.

   NFL Draft tonight....can't wait to hear the Jets fans moan about their 1st choice!

   I never use turn signals..its nobodies business where I go.

   Dear Genitals, Thank you for not bleeding every month. Sincerely, A Man

   So I'm in line at Walgreens,,, The lady ahead of me turns around & whispers to me she has diarrhea. Apparently,, I have a "Tell me if you have diarrhea" face..

   I'm HAVING A DINNER party tomorrow,how many boxes of cheerios do I need to feed 8 people ..

   My favorite yoga pose is the one where I stand upright, watching the class through the window while eating a cheeseburger.

   Can't say I'm surprised by the Kanye West - Kim Kardashian union, considering they both have egos the size of her ass.

   I swear people don't know how long the things they say can stay in someone's head.

   It's amazing the places I travel to when I'm talking on the phone.

   Ladies, show me your duck lips and I'll show you some duct tape.

   You're inspirational Facebook update: ❒Inspires me. ✔Wastes my time. ✔ Inspires me to unfriend you.

   1 new message: runs for phone, jumps over sofa, runs a marathon, swims Atlantic ocean, pushes mom out the way. grabs phone...."k" FUUUUUUU!

   There are times I'll make up words and slip them into conversations just to see if anyone is actually protempifying to what I'm saying.

   Dear MTV, I'm gonna start my own TV network called RealityTV (RTV) and play nothing but music videos.

   My doctor told me to stop drinking today...then he told me to stop laughing.

   After last night's drunken escapades, I'd think my friends should have had better judgement than to be friends with me.