Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wake up in the morning expected when in reality HE can make it unexpected at any given time. Shout out to the BIG homie GOD.

   When I'm russian for food, there's no time for stalin

   nothing says happy Easter Jesus like going to a Wal Mart

   Whenever I read the karma sutra, it puts me in an awkward position.

   Nothing says Easter like making deviled eggs while hungover

   I still hate peeps

   (._. ) (._.) ( ._.) ( '-' ) Oh pardon me, I'm just looking to give a f**k!

   a dying grandma told her grandson, "I have left you a farm with all the tools, animals, licences and 5million euros to your name". Dumbfounded the grandson said "WOW, you are so kind...I didn't know you had a farm, where is it". "Facebook" she said!

   On Sunday nights, if you listen closely,,, you can hear Monday taunting you with the "Jaws" theme.

   When I die I want written on my tombstone "Finally Offline".

   Todays a perfect day to walk down the street dressed as Santa Clause while holding a bottle of Jack Daniels, sobbing & yelling  "You guys forgot about me!"

   We have the laziest Easter Bunny here....He didn't bother cooking or coloring the eggs and he hid them all in my fridge.

   When I pump gas now I do it with my eyes closed cause I'm praying that $35 worth will get me through the week...

   If you're close minded. Blind fold yourself as if there's nothin more to further see

   "Thou shall keep thy religion to thyself"

   My mother used to hide the eggs in the same place every Easter... the dairy section of our local supermarket.

   I love Easter. My unborn children get to play find the egg tonight.

   Nothing says 'Self absorbed a$$hole' like liking your own picture

   Men and women shop differently. Men know what they want before they see it. Women don't know what they want until they see it.

   Bubba Watson looks like Latka from the TV show Taxi