Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I went to this new Chinese restaurant today for lunch... it was off the hook, chain, collar and leash!

   Shaggy is the biggest stoner, you've never seen smoke.

   The people in diaper commercials look so confident that I think I'm gonna start wearing one.

   Ships in bottles are made by retired gynecologists.

   Start texting "Let's get naked." to random people, you'll eventually get laid. I promise.

   If I didn't have any kids I would love to be a stay at home Dad.

   Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So THAT'S where the clitoris is.

   A furniture for my mother in law's birthday??? Thank you honey... I think coffin just sounds right...

   I'd love to get a hold of Mitt Romney and ask him who does his taxes…

   Dyslexics better do it.

   Trouble's brewing at Symphony Hall.. It's the bottom of Beethoven's 9th,,, and the bassists are loaded.

   Wife: Do you want something for dinner?,, Me: What are my choices?,,, Wife: Yes or No.

   If Apple had a nickle for every time an iPhone dropped it's connection they'd be one of the richest companies in the.......... Oh.

   Understand that the road to zombie hell is paved with absolutely good intestines.

   When the mechanic said I 'blew a seal', I was afraid he knew about that summer I worked at Sea World but it turns out it's some car thing.

   I wear gasoline for cologne because b*tches love money.

   On dating sites, some of the options for 'body type' should be, 'Vending machine', 'deformed walrus' and 'pudding in garbage bag'.

   women are good for 70 things. cleaning house, and 69

   If someday we all go to prison for downloading music, I can only hope that they split us up by music genre.

   That annoying moment when you're waiting for a text & you get one but it's from the wrong person.