Funny Status Messages

   I wonder if Satan ever gets tired of getting Xmas letters from dyslexic kids.

   If your hands don't look like you just delivered a baby when you finish eating wings....not enough hot sauce.

   condolences to Demi Moore a year ago she lost custody of Ashton Kutcher.jg

   A guy in a Smart car just flipped me off, which is about as adorably menacing as being cursed at by Teddy Ruxpin

   Trying to arrange an eating contest between Rosie, Oprah and Trump....wagering available in Vegas. Place your bets early

   I got robbed tonight at Shell. I called the cops & they asked if I knew who did it I said "Yeah, pump 6."

   So if a naked chick does a full split on the ground should you consult the 5 second rule on whether you should eat it or not?

   Dear Microsoft Office Word I am pretty sure I spelled my name correct

   Great! I ate a whole box of Captain Crunch, the roof of my mouth is shredded and I can lick my brain.

   Found some kind of microchip implanted under my tongue. Cut it out with a knife. Blood everywhere. It also may be a cheerio

   People who say "No, and here's why..." need to realize that we stopped listening after the "no" part.

   My daily workout?........ running late for work

   So the City that never sleeps now has a Quarterback that never sleeps with anyone?

   (posted on my wife's wall this morning) Good morning Sunshine. You see that stack of bills on the counter? That's how many times I thought of you today...

   I like the word 'prevaricate' although I can't spell it

   Today, I ask that everyone read my posts in the voice of Forrest Gump.

   Traded my Mercedes for a Horse due to gas prices. The damn horse eats $18 worth of hay and hops per meal, not to mention the poop all over my garage!!!!!!!

   The 'prevaricate' post - you are a very clever man

   If you look at your shot glass as half-empty, not only are you a pessimist but you obviously have no idea how to really drink.

   How does Justin bieber remove a condom after sex??? ... He farts!!!