Funny Status Messages

   I need new Haters, the old ones are starting to like me.

   I'm having one of those days where my middle finger is answering all my questions.

   Bobby Brown has a movie deal and a book about his life called "Higher than a muthafker".

   still waiting for the "cabbage explosion".

   If we're all "God's Children"....why is Jesus so special?

   I found a typo on these Fruit Loops. For the serving size it says 3/4 "cup." They totally spelled "box" wrong.

   It's been years since I've had to use "the Schwartz"

   I've signed up to be a ghostwriter when I die

   For Sale: authentic Tim Tebow Broncos Jersey...'Like New' condition, Will negotiate a trade (no pun intended) asking 5$ OBO

   R.I.P. the Best Guitarist that ever lived... Randy Rhoads

   Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.

   My Grandpa is so good at planking. He's been laying there on the golf course since Thursday.

   Ohhhhhh , when your's down near the sea and an eel bites your knee....Thats a MORAY

   Guns don't kill people. Oh wait. I guess they do. Sorry for doubting you, guns!

   Always keep a note in your medicine cabinet that says, "I thought you were peeing?"

   Sorry Tebow. God likes Peyton more.

   Alcoholism is not a disease.........it's a goal!

   When I go in to kiss a girl, I always close my eyes. I've learned from experience that if they're open, pepper spray gets into them.

   Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and no one asks what is wrong with you.

   You're as useless as pants on a hooker.