Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   On my way to the hospital. Just an FYI... Red Bull does NOT give you wings! It gives you a false sense of wings.

   I outswitted the smartest person on the planet today in debate, then realized it was just anothr one of my personalities....

   Researchers have discovered that excessive masturbation can cause dyslexia. Hwoevre, tihs is olny in etxreem caess of slef aubse.

   When it comes to the Super Bowl, you know why everybody mostly talks about the commercials, the half-time show, and what parties they're going to? Because let's face it, the game itself is usually a snooze-fest.

   Fries, Chips...whatever you wish to call them, we Americans at least have teeth to eat them with. ... Say what .... Have you been to walmart lately ?

   Just know that whenever your feeling down, I'll be there to feel you up!

   I only watch the Super Bowl for the commercials and the tight ends.

   Valentines Day is so fake. If you love a girl you'll treat her special every day. Not once out of 365 days!

   Happy Friday dance ‎(((( ( • why • ) )))) shake'em

   Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.

   I'm glad my job isn't standing on the corner, spinning a sign, dressed up like the Statue of Liberty, while drivers make the jerk-off sign

   If you have ever used one of those Hand Dryers in a bathroom, congratulations...you just did a portion of the Macarena.

   I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.

   StubHub should really be a place where single amputees meet.

   You can wake someone who is sleeping but you can't wake up someone pretending to sleep.

   Newly divorced woman explaining reason for splitting: We had religious differences - he thought he was God, I didn't.

   MONEY: can buy a house, but not a HOME. can buy a clock, but not TIME. can buy sex, but not LOVE. So pass me all ur $ n let me suffer 4 U

   i can show my love to her everyday <3 valentines day is just another day :-)

   Fake people wish you the best... as long as it benefits them. I call em' PENNIES... twofaced and worthless

   Why is it when I'm on my lunch break my wall is hella quiet. Then from 12:30 to 3:30 all sorts of drama happens...jerks, I wanna be in the loop!