Mom or Mother Funny Status Messages

   From now on, all of my posts will be written in Samuel L Jackson's voice. Re-read this one again Mother F*cker to make sure it's working!!

   Guys that are afraid of spiders, what color did you get your nails painted on Mother's Day?

   Why are there jelly donuts but no peanut butter donuts? And why no peanut butter and jelly donuts? And why is my mother an alcoholic?

   My nickname for my mother was Hannibal Lecture....

   If you don't have a watch,, The quickest way to find out the time is to order a beer at breakfast with your mother.

   Chill, single moms. You don't see us single dads celebrating mother's day!

   Thank God for my mother being so horny 31 years ago or I could have just died a slow death in a sock.

   Why not just call her NORTH POLE because following in the footsteps of her mother KIM she is destined to be a stripper.

   Instead of getting periods, can girls just get a text once a month from mother nature saying 'you're not pregnant have a nice day!'

   writes apology to 90's hip hop for the words he never gave to his mother.

   Mother caught me jerkin it when I was 13. She asked my dad when would I stop: He told her she'd have to ask someone older than him.

   His dad was Mexican, His mother Italian, Both were Jedi Masters..... He's, Old Bean Juan Cannoli. (lol, I'm not even sorry)

   A woman is quick to reject a man that lives with his mother, but will accept a man that lives with his wife.

   Maybe Mother Nature wants to be a dirty girl!

   *Maury opens envelope*......................"Necessity IS the mother of Invention!"....... *Necessity jumps up and throws chair across stage*

   For every one text I send my mother, I have to send 4 more texts explaining what it means

   A string of stars tattooed on your chest is a great way to let everyone know you're a 22 year old single mother of 4 kids.

   i find it ironic that in "the smurfs 2" the stepdad explains to Neil Patrick Harris' character how he met his mother

   I'm sorry Charlie Brown, but your mother is dead.... Turns out, she had a trombone lodged in her throat and eventually just suffocated to death

   One day, as a little boy, I wrote to Santa Clause. "Please send me a little brother." Santa Clause wrote me back,,, "Ok, send me your mother."