Funny Status Messages

   Bradley Cooper is has been chosen as this year's Sexiest Man Alive. Maybe next year I'll make it out of the final round...

   Occupy North Pole, because Santa loves the rich kids more.........

   R.I.P. Patrice O'Neal... Dead at 41 but lived life in the Funny Lane.

   Honestly officer, it's not my fault... Jesus took the wheel...

   Don't You know what they say about Martini's?....Martini's are like T!tt!es.. 1's not enough and 3 too many!

   I've learned a lot from women...Especially how to get out of a speeding ticket..Like crying for instance... It just doesnt work for women... Totally freaks the pol!ce out seein a man cry

   I actually did see mommy kissing Santa Claus. At the mall. I was 8. My dad was pissed.

   I bought my girlfriend a 10lb bag of future diamonds for Christmas...Thank you Kingsford!

   "I'm easy to get along with, just agree with me".

   I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?

   I WASNT GOOD IN MATH BUT WHEN IT COMES TO SEX I'm ALL ABOUT ANGLES

   Are you leaning on your left elbow?

   Billy Joel's "In the Middle of the Night" had to be inspired by a 3am piss.

   Hey,,Just started reading "The Chubby Checker Story". No spoilers please,,,,,,, apparently there's a twist.

   floods, check...earthquake, check...hurricane...check, Locusts..where are those damn locusts?

   I DO WHAT I WANT! WHEN I WANT! WHERE I WANT!...... if Mom says its ok...

   Call me crazy but I think Herman Cain could still win this thing if everyone he groped votes for him...

   I have heard that if a bear approaches you in the woods...you should play dead. I think I know why. it's to get you used to what you're going to look like in a minute.

   watching football its like watching monkeys chasing a banana

   Don't call me son unless you're going to include me in your will.