Funny Status Messages

   Usually I am a loving person, but there are two things in this world I have failed to love, JUSTIN BIEBER AND TWILIGHT MOVIES.

   There is always that one person whose friend request you regret ever accepting.

   Andy Rooney vapor locked today at age 92. I don't want to say he was old, but I heard his Social Security number was "1".....RIP you miserable old fart!

   I am tired of living in a world with adults that still believe in imaginary beings, I am even more tired of living by the decisions adults make based on their beliefs in imaginary beings.

   'People were meant to be loved & things were meant to be used. The confusion in this world is that people are used and things are loved!'

   If there was a hero that saved people from awkward conversations, he'd be more popular than Superman

   My favorite form of lying to myself is choosing a deodorant scent that contains the words 'active' or 'sport' in it's name

   The economy is so bad, the only thing that get's paid back nowadays is the hour that Daylight Savings Time borrows from Standard Time.

   I hate daylight savings. Twice a year I have to set my alarm and get up at two in the morning to set my clock.....Damn.

   The best part about the daylight savings tonight is that I get to hear last call called twice.

   tonight we get to time travel & wont even need a delorean

   If there was ever a Titanic themed party and you couldn't figure out what to go as, you could always go as an iceberg and crash the party.

   The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"

   Two men walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have some H2O." The second one says, "I'll have some H2O too." Then he dies..

   It would be funny to make your facebook status "OMG IT ACTUALLY WORKS" and then 5 minutes later make another facebook status that says "Well, I'm gonna test out this time machine",

   Two men walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have some H2O." The second one says, "I'll have some H2O too." Then he dies

   Sometimes you just wanna get hit by a car and sometimes you just want to be the one driving and hit someone else.

   Statistics show that 1 in 20 of us live next door to a convicted pedophile. Not me though, I live next to two stunning 12 year olds.

   Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality......which would explain Edward.....

   ....... In suppoert of the Ocupy Wall Street movement ... I withdrew 20 bucks from my bank and bought a burger, fries, and went to a movie!! .. Take that you evil corporations!!