Funny Status Messages

   I swear there are like 5 dudes in this town running around just making babies...In about 15 years this is gonna be a strange ass place if half the kids are related too each other...

   Drinking game for the Presidents speech: Drink every time he says jobs and economy.

   Some people around me are alive because I can't afford a hitman....!

   My romantic poem to the wife...."Roses are red and violets are blue. Lay on the bed and I will eat you!

   If Wesley Snipes had paid his taxes our country wouldn't be in this position.....

   I found a new app for my smart phone, Its called Dumbass. Its supposed to alert me when after I've been drinking and I'm about to send a text.... It says hay Dumbass, are you really sure you want to send this...?

   why is there always, that one person in the group that wants to be a kiss ass! The one, when someone ask "is there any questions" (2 min before its time to go) they wanna ask a question. In your mind all you thinking is "this biotch"!

   never understood people watching a football game wearing their team jersey. Thats like me watching CSI dressed as a dead hooker.

   I hate when a singer I can't stand comes out with a song that is UNLIKE them and I like it and don't even realize it is them. Then someone tells me who it is and it ruins the song for me.

   Life's cruel when you think it is, life's happy when you feel it is, and life's best when you enjoy it as it is.

   Sorting out your Facebook friends list? Change the date of your birthday and anyone who wishes you happy birthday, delete!

   Occasionally, I like to take a look through my old status updates and smile smugly at my sparkling wit.

   Why would you want to be reminded of how 9/11 was. That was a horrific day that I would prefer not to be reminded of.

   It's a good thing the Giants are not playing the Jets this Sunday. Remember, the Giants lost last time they met.

   If Facebook ever starts showing how many times a person has visited someone's profile, a lot of people are going to have some explaining to do.

   Why do meteorologists try and educate me on the workings of mother nature?  Dude, just tell me pants or shorts tomorrow...

   Apple's new major social breakthrough - a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost between $499 - $799, depending on cup size and speakers. Nore more complaints about how he just stares at your chest and doesn't listen!

   What you give to a woman is multiplied. Give her sperm, she gives you baby. Give her a house, she gives a home. Give her groceries, she gives you a meal. Give her a smile, she gives you her heart. Give her a little crap, she gives you a ton of sh!t.

   Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the begging, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you're wishing you had a club and a spade.

   Facebook has allowed me to bring my "He's a distraction to the rest of the class" from grade school to a global scale!!