Funny Status Messages

   My favorite genre of rap is bragging about all the murders you committed then complaining that the cops pull you over for no reason.

   I do understand the proper usage of they're / their and there's / theirs.  I just intentionally misuse them to drive you A-types nuts!

   I wish I could help run a country into the ground and still take a 100,000 trip for my birthday.

   Me: "What color hair does the tooth fairy have?" My son: "Red, because it is you. I don't believe in fairies." My other son: "Her hair is gray. She colors it." Maybe I should have taught them to believe in fairies.

   Normally my dog opens the door with his face, tonight he sat and looked up at me when we got to the door. So I opened it with my face, I can see now why he's not a fan of this method.

   Thought of the day: If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?

   Has anyone seen MySpace Tom on Facebook?

   I hate gently tossing my phone on the bed and it ricocheting off three walls, hitting a lamp, and a cat.

   I'll never just put the seat down; the lid's going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.

   Teacher: where is your homework? Student: I uploaded it on Facebook and I tagged you in it.

   Women don't cheat on me, they cheat with me.

   Bad breath + Bad body odor = Undateable

   In my book, having sex with people comes first and getting to know the person comes second.

   All our problems in the Middle East started when Indiana Jones shot that guy waving the sword around.

   put my phone to "Airplane Mode" and it told me not to call it Shirley.

   Since almost 7 billion people live on Earth now, the statement "you're one in a million" really isn't that much of a compliment anymore.

   Grandmother died and in the will she left me the whole farm!! only later did I realized it was on Facebook. Well played Grandmother, well played.

   The heat wave continues! It's so hot in New York City that the Statue of Liberty was asked to blow out her torch.--Joan Rivers

   If all men are the same, why do women take so long to choose one ?

   Writing a poem to my wife. What rhymes with threesome?