Funny Status Messages
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Just heard about the death of one of the biggest stars of our time. We all knew they had it coming with the pale white skin and slits for a nose, they'll be greatly missed. RIP Voldemort... 
Who else thinks ambulances and fire trucks would be more efficient if they played "Move b!tch, get out the way" instead of using a siren?
We have a lot of children living on our street, so I try to caution speeders by bouncing an old tricycle off their windshield
Statistically, I've come to the conclusion that I'm going to hell in multiple religions.
if anyone catches me singing in my car, my immediate reaction is to stare at them until it is equally awkward for both of us.
I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive
The guy who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a download did not take his job seriously at all.
A good woman will do 70 chores around the house. Cooking and 69
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
sitting here at my command center wondering which country I will systematically destroy today... ~stroking my beard~
just set up an eMeeting with myself, but it was a no show
After suffering my 5000th stubbed toe, I believe now is the time to invent "Nerf" end tables!
Don't think of yourself as a failure, think of yourself as unspoiled by success.
Sinners can undoubtedly be reformed, but stupid, stupid is forever.
If a robber ever breaks in, I'll just pretend to be one too, and we'll laugh and hug and he'll leave because I have first dibs.
I may not have 'hoes' in different area codes but I'm pretty sure I've left a phone charger in most of them.
Excuse me underccover police car, I like your 5 extra antennas...
worried that my latest Goodwill donation will result in homeless people looking like sluts from the 90s
When you start working on your own manifesto, its time to go talk to the professionals in the mental health industry. 