Funny Status Messages

   I let my fists do the talking. And by fists I mean mouth. And by talking I mean sandwich eating.

   I run for 2 reasons: 1.) Running to get food (2.) Running to keep from being food

   Coworkers were having printer problems, but I only heard the end of the conversation when they said "There are sheets jammed up in there." So natrually I recommended a laxative.

   I once asked my Dad if it was ok to love a midget, he said son- It just depends if you're nuts over her.

   says the best answer to "(S)he died? What happened?" is "They stopped breathing"

   Our relationship with life itself is compared to a kidnapping situation. The only choice we have is to suffer from Stockholm Syndrome which means that if we don't symphatize with our kidnapper, it will screw us all up.

   I've come to realize that there is not much difference between paying for an evening out, and just leaving the money on the nightstand...unless you're hungry of course...

   Having my doubts about this dehydrated water that I bought off Craigslist for the plastic plants in my office..............

   Justin Bieber: hey dad I just had my first time having sex.... Dad: really?? thats awesome son!! any questions?? Justin Bieber: yeah, when will my ass stop hurting?? Dad:.........

   My favorite pickup line: Hey, what's your address, and are you a light sleeper?

   65 days until The Royal Wedding. I can't wait. Seeing that family gathered together always makes me feel really good about my dental plan.

   just turned the news on and they were talking about Justin Beiber getting a haircut. Really? The world is going to hell in a hand basket.. but Justin Beiber got a haircut.. Who gives a rip??

   here's something for a friend that can't stop coughing. Give 'em some laxitives. It won't cure their cold, but I can guarantee they won't cough anymore. It says you care and F*@K YOU at the same time...nice.

   "Get in da bowl"....."YOU get in da bowl."

   Kilometers are shorter than miles. So I'll be taking my next trip in kilometers to try and save some gas.

   I was upset when I heard that Justin Beiber got a haircut because it meant I was gonna have to rearrange my "Top ten things I care least about" list.

   Life's like a box of chocolates. Sometimes you have to stick your finger in a few before you find the one that's right for you....

   Dear Eminem: Not only do we have the same name, but we're both black on the inside too. Sincerely, M&Ms.

   gonna miss Gaddafi's outfits. He makes Lady Gaga look like Johnny Cash

   If Facebook goes out of business, we should all exchange phone numbers and mailing addresses.