Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know times are tough when you receive a friend request on facebook from Tom Anderson (MySpace). I guess he is one of the 47% that got fired from MySpace!

   I always mean what I say, but I don't always mean to say it out loud..

   while seeking revenge dig 2 graves.....................one for yourself

   Every time someone moves a tweet from Twitter to Facebook, God pushes a baby bird out of a nest into the mouth of a kitten. Stop that!

   If someone describes something as "better than sex", I know their either lying or extremely sheltered

   The only appropriate time to yell out "I HAVE DIARRHEA!", is when you're playing scrabble. Because it's worth a whole load of points.

   I just tried turning the volume up on my computer using the TV remote.... I think I need to question the state of my mental health 0.o

   Shhhhhhhhhh....you had me at, "..$20 does include the spanking.."

   I have so many "get into heaven points" from so many people "praying for me" to "save my soul" that I can safely cause hell on earth.

   You know you're from ________when you play Spin The Bottle on family game night.

   looked up the word "thug" in the dictionary. The definition was "Auburn".

   Life should come with more opportunities to shove peoples faces in cake

   How many men does it take to open a beer? None...it should be open when she brings it to ya.

   If I ever own a bar I'm going to name it "church". I'll also get a Mexican bartender named Jesus.

   Big Question! Is Justin Baiber a female or a male? I am googling but not getting any straight answer.

   My girlfriend has over 1000 female Facebook friends. 132 Notifications later....that's the last time I'll ever be the first person to comment when she post a picture of her damn cat...

   AbbyBaby Kurt New pregnancy test for black woman was just released on the market. Insert banana in vagina, then remove after 10seconds. If banana is half missin, there's another monkey on the way!!!

   Bella: your pale white and ice cold. You don't eat anything, and I can't find you when the sun's out. I know what you are. Edward: Say it. Say it out-loud. Bella: A...snowman.

   doc told me to walk around the block everyday. I'm gonna set a lego in the floor & be back in 5 seconds

   remember the old steam pipes in school making noise as they would heat up....bet that is like the sound of dial up internet to kids today..