Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   pretty sure that mother nature has been taken over by an evil step-mother!!!

   I'm so good at sleeping I could do it with my eyes closed

   Best bumper sticker ever. Get off your phone and concentrate on being a sh@tty driver.

   Pshh.. Nowadays I dont even trust people that dont have a FB

   To the people on FB who creep on the reg, yet never post anything and never comment on anything.. I know your out there, and I know your reading this..

   Relax everyone...My pink flamingo is still standing in my front yard...I think it's over now.

   I wonder how many tattoos you can get for the Sugar Bowl trophy...

   Apparently society isn't sympathetic about testicular cancer awareness…You check yourself in one mirror at the mall, and you go from health conscious, to sexual predator in a heartbeat...(more in comments)

   Cats will be the hardest zombies to kill, with their -9 lives and all.

   I dream of a better world...where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned

   Gathering Birds to throw at you!

   I called a company and heard "Don't fear the Reaper" while I was on hold. At first it seemed cool, but do I really want Life Insurance from a company that plays that?!?! ;-)

   blinded by the light. Revved up like a douche, another runner in the night.

   A horse walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation.

   it bad that I just lit the cigarette of the pregnant woman I just bought a drink for?

   If my fridge smells like fish, but I don't have any fish in it...that's a problem, right?

   Don't you just hate how you finally get Christmas all put away and it's already time to put up the Martin Luther King decorations??...?

   To everyone who take time to "Like" my status the very minute I post my status, Get a life and get off the facebook

   What do you call a black guy in a three piece suit? A: Will the defendant please rise?

   Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, damn, you're good. Fool me four times…expect a drive-by