Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.

   the best gift is the one that keeps giving Thats why I bought my wife a stripper pole this year

   One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

   The best nicknames are the ones people don't know they have.

   We've got to give a little love, have a little hope, make this world a little better.!

   This weekends forecast; Mostly drunk, Scattered shots, with a slight chance of falling down.!!

   So... Do you like casual sex... or should I put on my tie?

   just won $10 on a scratch off lottery ticket...that's right, I'm rich.

   You know you're driving a new car when the items you pull from your nose go out the window and not on the floor mat.

   Ever notice there aren't any Asian Nascar drivers.

   I really do wish there was a pause button in life, like those twix commercials when you "need a moment?" I would smack the shet out of some people and they would have no idea what hit them!

   likes it when my computer says "Are you sure you wanna continue unprotected?"

   I was standing by the door, and a security guard came over and said, 'You gotta move -- you're blocking the fire exit,' as though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run?

   Dear Women, if you have in you're possession sweats with the word 'JUICY' on them, PLEASE for the love of God, do not wear them if, when you do, the "I" is stretched so far that it appears to be a hyphen..Nothin' ( J you )--( C why ) about it...

   read that there were dozens of accidents in NYC the last few days, and that was just on the set of the new Spiderman play.

   heard the bad news that dozens of NYC ambulances are out of service due to snowdrifts piled high in the streets. The good news is there are dozens of lawyers out of service now, too.

   The Eagles/Vikings game was postponed to Tuesday because Michael Vick had trouble driving his dog sled through the blizzard.

   thinking that now that I have a laptop computer, iPhone, GPS and tablet PC, my ADD is actually a positive thing now.

   likes Facebook because I can say whatever I want about anyone as long as it's carefully worded so you can't tell that I'm talking about you, Rebecca.

   wishes I would have got a new cell phone from Santa this year.. This rotary texting is really a drag.