Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Would Jesus be pissed off that we are celebrating his birthday on the wrong day?

   - I just don't like the look of my hands.....That's why I always keep them at arms length.

   Plan worked perfectly last night! Reindeer BBQ at my place tonight anyone?

   Santa does not get milk and cookies at my house. Beer and pretzels it is. I figure after several million gulps of milk and enough cookies to cause a diabetic coma, a beer would be refreshing.

   Dear kids, There is no Santa. Those presents are from your parents. Sincerely: WIKILEAKS

   its your birthday too today? well this is for christmas AND your bday !

   For this is a special time when family And friends get togetherfor fun. Wishing laughter and fun to cheer your days, In this festive season of holidays and always!!!

   robs tip for students #546- Teachers know when you're texting. Sincerely, No one just looks down at their crotch and smiles

   And as another Christmas ends my mind drifts and once again, I'm thinking like a six year old. Only 364 days to go.

   Party ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ at my __̴ı̴̴̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡*̡̡ ̴̡ı̴̴̡ ̡̡͡|̲̲̲͡͡͡ ̲▫̲͡ ̲̲̲͡͡π̲̲͡͡ ̲̲͡▫̲̲͡͡ ̲|̡

   To the advice of my lawyer, it's in my best intrest not to post a status tonight.

   I don't need a "Plan B" because my "Plan A" is awesome.

   3 girls I graduated with got engaged yesterday! I, on the other hand, was engaged in knitting in my snuggie while watching "It's a Wonderful Life" for about the hundredth time, and playing Robot Unicorn Attack. Thinking maybe I should get out more....

   just got in an argument with my Mom regarding investment decisions...turns out even if you hold multiple degrees in finance ur still a kindergarten goin kid in ur Moms eyes...sigh..:(

   Well lets see for Christmas I bought the iPhone,iPad,iTouch.... now iBroke,iHomeless and iRegret...

   Girls are like cell phones, they like to be held and talked to, but press the wrong button and you're disconnected

   When a girl tells you you're not getting any, before you ask, before you even try, you're getting some

   If you can't say anything nice, at least be vague with a touch of sarcasm, so you can share it with your friends behind their back later.

   Oysters are fantastic, if you like the taste of snot that's been stored with dirty silverware over rocks in saltwater.

   Only 364 shopping days till Christmas..