Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kids, when I was your age, the ENTIRE family shared one phone, and it was attached to the kitchen wall by a cord. We couldn't even update our Facebook status from it.

   The oldest written recipe is for beer. Even when most people couldn't read or write, they knew they had to mark that down somehow.

   Something seems to be wrong with my butt today, as I can't seem to get off of it.

   We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.

   Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist? A: By becoming a ventriloquist!

   I be the same people that brag about how nice and warm it is where they are right now are the same people that were spoiled brats when they were kids.

   told my son today, "I believe every single word you say. It's when you put them together to form a sentence that I have an issue!"

   tried to mail you something cute for christmas but the postoffice took the stamp off my butt and asked me to leave...

   One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

   The weather outside is frightful! Hot sex is so delightful,theres nobody else you know, text a ho,text a ho,text a ho

   Let's hope this Eclipse tonight is better than the last Twilight movie....

   despite the clouds... last night's Eclipse was way better than the Twilight movie...

   Takes 600 photos, chooses the most flattering photo of myself, and then goes through grueling editing before uploading a new profile picture. Then make it seem like it was a random upload, I'm sneaky like that

   nickname is shower,turn me on & I will make you very wet

   got bored with the eclipse and watched Lord of the G-strings instead.

   Save the stamp. I see enough pictures of your kids on facebook. #MerryChristmas.

   just spent an hour at Walmart and I no longer believe in evolution.

   Only Till Facebook came Along Did We Realize How Much We All Like.

   Last night I tried to go out for an Italian meal, but there was a large, fat lady standing in the doorway. I couldn't get pasta.

   I was sorting out my loose change when I dropped a 1p coin and saw it roll into a drain, which everyone around me thought was hilarious. Laughing at my ex-pence.