Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   OMG! It's so cold I think I have ovaries now!!

   I was making love to Robert Pattinson for seven hours straight until security told me that Madam Tussuads was getting ready to close.

   When playing The Telephone Game, I like to whisper to the next person, "I'm going to kill you," and then nod and smile encouragingly.

   I remember when I was young and couldn't wait to grow up so I could do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted... Ask me how's that working' out?(OK,hun. I won't forget the trashman comes to tomorrow.) Gotta go Facebook my chores aren't done yet..

   Beware of the toes you step on today. They could be attached to the ass you may have to kiss tomorrow.

   Waking up with morning wood is normal, but trying to piss with morning wood is an adventure.

   Just went out to my neighbors front yard and wrote "Merry Christmas" in his yard by pissing in the snow

   Been married for 3 months now, when is it appropriate to start leaving the bathroom door open when taking a dump?

   Favorite Animal is Grey Goose

   White girls get pregnant and get their own season of 16 and Pregnant but when Black girls get pregnant they get 30 minutes of Maury.

   I just want it to snow already! I'm dying to make snow angels face down!

   Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

   Beginning to think that Al Gore is lying about global warming

   Sorry To Hear The Size Of Your Snow Angel Made You Realize You Need To Go To The Gym.

   Did I accidentally log into the Grand Wizards Facebook profile page this morning?

   Tis the season again, the first snow! Please let me say to all idiots who think that since they have an SUV you somehow gain super powers and are invincible, TIRES ON ICE ARE TIRES ON ICE your 4x4 this doesn't stop you from sliding on ice you morons!

   WoW. Think about that word. WoW backwards is WoW. And WoW upside down is MoM. And MoM upside down is dad's favorite thing

   The Christmas package of Wild Turkey now comes with bail money and pants.

   Getting a fat girl drunk is expensive, it's like filling up a Winnebago with super unleaded.

   Women get $5000.00 for donating eggs. Men get fifty bucks for donating sperm. Fifty bucks? I got a towel next to the bed that's worth $200,000.00