Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Helpful hint of my day... Pizza Rolls are the equivelant of molten lava even five minutes after removing from oven... fmt

   Someone just accused me of living high on the hog. I didn't even know they knew I smoked bacon.

   a problem with Kinect for X-Box... if I wanted to use my entire body to play sports... I would just play sports.

   If anyone sees a bunch of people in their front yard tonight, don't be alarmed, were just christmas tree shopping.

   Why is "one" the loneliest number? I've found that you can clear out a room even faster with a well-placed "number two."

   Oh, look at the time.... The big hand says Fuck, and the little hand says Off

   money talks and right now its saying "Nah nah nah nah nah...you can't catch me!"

   Hi, I was just curious cause I saw you noticing me so I'm just giving you a notice that I noticed you after you noticed me. Shall we chat or continue flirting from a distance?

   Since being subtle is wasted on the naive...... I WANT A BB GUN FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!

   True colors always shine through smokescreens.

   I don't hold grudges. I simply maintain them until you apologize or admit that you are wrong.

   I don't hold grudges. I simply maintain them until you apologize or admit that you are wrong.

   I like my woman like I like my eggs....overeasy.

   Just brought his pet rock to the vet.

   When will it be socially acceptable to drink queso from a straw?

   Don't hope so....Wish so! Hope is nothing but a lazy wish :)

   Starbucks has announced that they will start selling beer and wine in their stores. Apparently, they've run out of sober people to sell their $9.00 cups of coffee to.

   having a hard time deciding between a Boston Pancake or a German Knuckle Sandwich!

   suffering from PMS (Pre Marital Stress)

   ‎"Only one store has been a part of your life for 150 years. That's the power of MACY'S" Wow! They're really targeting the seniors with this commercial!