Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People who say "only God can judge me" don't know how Twitter trolls work.

   "Are you excited about Halloween? People go out pretending to be something they're not, looking for handouts. It's like running for president."

   I get a real kick out of people who drive a mile in their car to run a mile on a treadmill.

   If your single and starting to feel a little blue about the coming Valentines day to make you feel better just remember that Saint Valentine was imprisoned then beaten to death with a club and candy and cakes will be 50% off the day after 😊

   People cheating on their taxes disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 23 dependents in...

   Amazon just broke up with New York... on Valentine's Day...

   My Chinese pal is very upset about Peter Tork, and has been muttering "I'm a bereaver" all day?

   I'm hoping the next big Trend will be modesty.

   Why are snooze alarm minutes so short and microwave oven minutes so long?

   Amazon is buying Whole Foods for $13 billion. Ironically I think I spend $13 billion at Whole Foods also.

   Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

   Bieber cancels the rest of the concerts of worldwide tour, maybe she's pregnant

   my bodies a temple...Well more like a catholic church,, full of wine bread and guilt...

   I don't need drugs to have a good time. But I do need them to focus, avoid depression, survive winter, fall asleep, stay awake, control my blood pressure, calm myself down, and to avoid choking the hell out of stupid people.

   Tweet others the same way you want them to tweet you.

   You know you are old when your birthday suit doesn't fit anymore.

   I'm already sick of writing this book I'm thinking of writing.

   I wish my neighbor's dog would take the hint that my leg just wants to be friends.

   Never trust an Avon lady who doesn't wear any makeup. The whole thing is probably a front for her organ-harvesting business.

   When a chick says we need to talk, you might as well start punching yourself in the balls.