Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Middle East and Kim Kardashian's a$$ have a lot in common. Both are massive, have tons of oil, and have been invaded by the West.

   Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.

   Looks like Andrew Jackson's been tossed to the back of the bus.

   Now that I've maxed out my 401k for the year, I'll get a tattoo, said no one ever.

   If you are so sensitive that I can't joke around without risking offending you and I have to watch every word I say, in case you might misinterpret it, then we can't be friends.

   4 years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times

   If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, will Brian Williams still claim he chopped it down?

   THE GENIUS OF DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME - Your child is Now standing at the bus stop in the dark, and goes to bed while it's still light outside.

   LIKE IF you put things in a safe place and then forget where the safe place is.

   Ghetto Word Of The Day: COLOGNE. Usage: "You think you cologne me a dollar?"

   How come we always hear about what's happening on Wall Street and Main Street. What about what's happening on Sesame Street? People live in trash cans there.

   Bucket list item #26 Shoot at someone's feet while yelling "DANCE, VARMINT!"

   A Jealous Woman Does Better Research Than A FBI Agent

   you never seen a McDonalds or a Burger King under construction...they just show up

   You know how after you get off a boat, your body still feels like its on the boat for a while after? I'm like that with beds.

   He called my girlfriend a wh0re. So I called him an ambulance.

   As a species we should resign now and let the dinosaurs have another go

   Just witnessed my dog catch fire while "draggin' ass" on our dead lawn.

   Pretty sure I could make an entire meal with the crumbs in my keyboard.

   My wife and I have a waterbed - I call it the "Dead Sea"!